


Silently, Invisibly

by DoreyG



Category: Blake & Avery Series - M. J. Carter
Genre: Blackmail, Feelings Realization, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-19 14:21:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17003304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoreyG/pseuds/DoreyG
Summary: "So," Blake said, an expression of pure outrage rising on his face. it was subtle, most would've thought him merely annoyed, but I'd known him for long enough that I could tell the signs. "They're trying to blackmail you too, then."





	Silently, Invisibly

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Trismegistus (Lebateleur)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lebateleur/gifts).



> Happy Yuletide! I just couldn't resist writing something for these two. ^^

"So," Blake said, an expression of pure outrage rising on his face. it was subtle, most would've thought him merely annoyed, but I'd known him for long enough that I could tell the signs. "They're trying to blackmail you too, then."

"Yes," I said, and shifted a touch awkwardly before him. I trusted Blake with my life, had proved that fact many times, but that didn't entirely stop the sense of shame. "I wouldn't trouble you with this, Jeremiah, I have no wish to involve you in any more of their games... But I have nowhere else to turn, nobody else who I can trust with this."

"William, _don't_ apologise. Haven't I dragged you into my business often enough?" Blake said gently, surprisingly so, frowning a little as he considered the issue. "I'm guessing that they're blackmailing you with something real?"

"Unfortunately so," I said, with the slightest of smiles in response. The shame was still there, a sickly weight in my stomach that weighed me down like a stone, but there was also a certain feeling of relief - that Blake knew me, that Blake cared for me, that Blake wouldn't throw me out on my ear as soon as I came to him with all my trouble. "I've done everything they accused me of... And, er, more besides."

His eyebrow arched, possibly in mild approval. I couldn't help it, even in my current situation I took a certain pleasure in demolishing yet another one of his assumptions about me. "They have evidence?"

"Letters, written in my hand. A few reliable witnesses, who I initially doubted but who know things that they couldn't know if they were just making it up." I hesitated for a second, forged on only when Blake nodded encouragingly. "I've seen the letters. They mention several rather incriminating details."

Blake fell silent for a long moment, brooding. His hands clenched briefly at his sides, he bit the side of his mouth in that way he tended to when he was truly deep in thought. I knew, I'd watched his mouth enough to fill several books with its quirks.

"I should've been more careful," I blurted. I had never been the most patient of men, and this situation had strained my nerves even further. "I know that. But I genuinely tried, Jeremiah. I burnt all the letters I could, I made no mention of it in public or private, I chose the most discreet locations possible..."

"William, I'm not criticising you," Blake said, still with surprisingly gentleness. He even reached out, and touched my arm with those calloused fingers that I found myself suppressing a tremble under even in this situation. "Perhaps you should've done more, I can't deny that. But sometimes, when they're out to get you... Well, they'll find something no matter what. No person is perfect, I know that very well."

I stared at him for a long, faintly stunned, moment and then slowly calmed. I drew in a deep breath, and gave a sharp nod of my head. He had always been good at calming me.

He studied me for a long moment more, and then gave a small nod and released my arm from his grasp. "I'm guessing that what they're blackmailing you over is serious?"

"It's a hanging offence still, I think," I murmured. The shame rose up within me all over again, sharp and pointed, and I found myself staring down at my shoes with a fixed concentration. "Though it may have been reduced to hard labour now, I'm not entirely sure. Always knew I should've paid more attention to the law."

"William..." He stared at me for a long second, I felt the weight of his gaze warm on my bowed head, and then cleared his throat with obvious effort. "I don't want to see you hanged _or_ blackmailed, and I can promise you that I'll do everything in my power to prevent either fate. Do you want to tell me what you've done?"

I had expected the dreaded moment, as I had been referring to it in my head since Collinson had called me into his office with a cruel smile, to be unpleasant but I hadn't expected it to be quite so _paralysing_. I stared at my feet for a long moment more, drew in a sickly breath through my nose and tried my very hardest not to throw up.

"You don't have to tell me." Blake was still watching me. I didn't look up, _couldn't_ bring myself to look at his face, but I suspected that he looked worried nonetheless. "But it may go easier if you do. William... You must know that I consider the law an absurd tangle of contradicting points that has little or nothing to do with actual morality. I won't judge you."

"Jeremiah..." I hesitated for a long moment more, the sickness still swirling within me, before I forced myself to lift my head and look into his eyes again. It was terrifying, but for him I could be brave. "I think they call it gross indecency in the courts, but most people - me included - know it as sodomy."

I had never seen such a reaction from Blake. His eyes went wide and his mouth dropped open just slightly, his expression transforming into one of genuine shock. He looked for a moment like he would reach for me, desperately, and restrained himself only with obvious effort. I don't know whether I was relieved or disappointed by that, in that moment I think I would've welcomed him in every way I knew how.

"I... Well." He cleared his throat, curled his hands into fists by his hips as if he thought his nails would restrain him and bit the side of his mouth again. "First of all: no matter what they may tell you it's not a sin and it's not a crime. No matter what poisonous lies they may spew, it's just another way of loving and if anything you are a better man for acknowledging it."

"I realize," I croaked, unable to even attempt to keep my voice steady. Nobody saw me as clearly as Blake did, maybe that was why I loved him so desperately. "At least... I try to realize that. It can be hard to remember sometimes, when you're treated so badly for it."

"I know," Blake said gently, with such sincerity that a long dreamed of realisation snapped firmly into place. I stared at him openly, and watched a faint and impossible flush rise up on his cheeks. "Believe me, William, I know. I just... Never thought that you knew too."

I kept staring at him, narrowly resisting the urge to let my jaw drop open. I noticed the flush on his cheeks as he met my gaze somewhat shakily, the frozen hope on his face, the barely restrained longing in his eyes. I noticed _everything_ , for the first time, and was astonished. How many years had we narrowly missed realising how we felt about each other, frozen in place by our stupid stubbornness?

One might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb, as my father would say if he didn't find out about all this and disown me on the spot.

"I didn't," I said raggedly, a touch recklessly judging by the way his eyes widened anew. "Not for most of my life. All through my childhood, my adolescence and the early years of my childhood I assumed that I was only attracted to women. There were stable-boys and fellow sons of squires and young schoolmasters aplenty, but I never felt any attraction to another man."

Blake was silent. His eyes remained wide, and I saw his throat working as if he was valiantly trying to swallow words.

"...Until I came to India, and met you."

His eyes bulged, his throat stopped working for a long moment and his face went incredibly pale. For a moment, I thought that I'd got it entirely wrong and was likely to be thrown out on my ear anyway. But then all the colour rushed back in, and I felt my heart throb painfully in my chest. "William..."

"Suddenly it was like the entire world had opened up to me, like everything had blossomed in the blink of an eye. Suddenly I _wanted_ things, things that I'd never thought to want before, with a desperation that almost bordered on the ludicrous." I was babbling. I drew in a deep breath, forced myself to calm down before I could embarrass myself even further. "I wanted you."

"I... William, I am not the type of man you _should_ want." He frowned at me for a long moment, drew in a deep breath of his own then spun around to the window with his hands shaking at his sides. "I am old, I am bitter, I am cruel and I have been so ill-used by this world that it is a miracle I'm still moving. You could do so much better, you _deserve_ so much better."

"Do you know what the man I slept with was like?" I asked, and watched in fascination as his shoulders went up in something resembling jealousy. "He was an officer in my regiment. He was about twenty years older than me, he looked scruffy on a near constant basis and he still spoke with a London accent no matter how hard he tried to hide it. He almost had your eyes, although far less handsome."

Blake didn't respond, although his shoulders remained tense. I glanced down, and saw his hands clenching on the windowsill."

"I know all the reasons I shouldn't want you," I said to his back anyway, too far in now to be anything but painfully sincere. "They make no difference, I want you anyway."

He remained silent for another long moment, and I started to fear that he wouldn't respond. But then his fingers eased on the windowsill, and he let out a low sound of defeat. "After my wife died I thought that I was incapable of loving anyone ever again. I thought that I'd be forced to spend the rest of my life silent and alone, mourning everything I had lost."

It was my turn to fall silent. I stared at his back, painfully aware of the distance between us and painfully hopeful that it'd soon be closed.

"But then... You walked into my home in your stupid uniform and insulted me. You went along on a desperate and impossible journey, and stuck with it in the most terrible of circumstances. You shot a tiger, and saved a man's life no matter how much the company wanted him dead. You stuck by me, through thick and thin and more murder attempts than any sensible person could be comfortable with. You _learned_." Blake turned back to me slowly. My breath caught, for his heart was shining in his eyes. "And you were too young, and too posh, and too loyal to things that I'd stopped believing in long ago. And it made no difference, I wanted you anyway."

I stared at him, stunned, and then took a stumbling step forwards. I wanted to drag him into my arms, to fix my mouth over his and learn all of his secrets just as surely as he'd learned all of mine. I had done several things with my apparently untrustworthy soldier, but I looked forward to Blake teaching me how much more I had to learn.

"William." He stopped me with a word, but it was a reluctant one. He was fighting not to smile, and it was one of the most beautiful sights that I'd ever seen. "Need I remind you that you're still being blackmailed?"

"I'm sure you don't _need_ to," I grumbled, but obeyed him and kept a decent amount of space between us. I was very quickly realising that I'd do anything for another joyous look from that face. "I'm sure it could be easily forgotten for, oh, an hour or so?"

A tempted look passed through his eyes, but he still lifted his hand to stop me coming any closer. "That would be a bad idea, as wonderful as it sounds. Speed is of the essence in this matter, and I have several ideas that need to be put into play as soon as possible."

"You do?" I asked, briefly forgetting my lust in a flare of pure relief. "Oh, Jeremiah, _thank you_... But when this is all resolved?"

A slow smile spread across his face, finally bursting free of the limits he had placed on it, and I was helpless to resist. Before my eyes his expression turned molten hot, and so wonderful that I could only stare with a certain feeling of awe. " _Then_ , William, we can explore our new realisations as thoroughly as we wish."


End file.
